A few moments out of the day, week, or month, I tend to find my heart intensely desiring to get away. Responsibilities from my mistakes or decisions occasionally take me to the point where spelling a word wrong makes me want to have a mental breakdown. Bursting into tears or angrily throwing an object within reach in any direction flashes into my mind as I stare blankly at the task at hand. My face will begin to burn with emotion. Either as I stare dejectedly at the paper I may have just finished writing for class or as I begin hyperventilating (if I am in solitude) when the intensity of my emotions invade my mind. Within the view of the public, I may remain lighthearted and cheerful or determined and quiet. Inside, however, chaos reigns as king and I am powerless to defend against it. My placid facial expressions are my only saving grace in times such as this. Then I begin questioning my worth and I know that the chaos is winning on days like those.
A part of me begs and even demands that I turn to my faith in God. Another part of me cries out in desperation for sleep to take away the unending screaming. Mostly, I unconsciously find myself searching in vain for distractions. Can you help me, Social Media? Can you help me escape what I yearn to avoid? Let me become numb with meaningless scrolling and shallow thought processes…
Faith has saved me before so why is it so hard to hand everything over to God? Excessive sleep just assisted in destroying my ambition and moral. Why can’t I just unfold myself completely in God’s hands?
Some days it’s because I feel unworthy. But God loves me all the same. Doesn’t make it any easier. It’s like having someone who is so perfect in your eyes, coming up to you and saying, “I love every beautiful and ugly part of you.” But when you look away from shame and refuse to let their love impact your life, you know it hurts them. I can just hear the question spilling forth: “Why won’t you let me love you?”
And the answer is simple. It’s because it’s hard for me to even love myself. Especially on days like this. Then halfway through my tired and personal disclosure I notice that it’s harder for me to express the words that so desperately need to be free.
So I stop here. Hopefully tomorrow I can remind myself what I already know: I am strong. I will conquer. God is perfect in his love for me. I will survive. I can get through this. I will not give in or give up.