Venting Upon Ranting Upon Distress

I feel rather guilty for not blogging in nearly a month’s time. Honestly, life has been a mixture of chaos, anxiety, and constant work lately. In order to ensure that I can pay a few of the bills that seem to be breathing down my neck, I am working as much as possible at my part time job – Subway – and my main job – Minnesota Wildlife Connection. (Gotta love family businesses.) Along with this, I attempt to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend, family, and friends. Some days, I feel like I’m starting to get stretched rather thin. To add to that, I find myself beginning to stress about next semester at UMD. I thoroughly enjoy that school but next semester is giving me anxiety attacks and semester hasn’t even begun yet. Not only will I be taking 19 credits, I will be living with four other girls. One I know fairly well, but the other three are almost complete strangers. Not much gives me panic, yet, this is among the list of things that do.

Now that you have an idea of where this post will continue, I shall now begin my rant. If you choose to stay with me, I salute you. If not, I understand. This is mostly for my benefit. I have a belief that it is soothing if not therapeutic to write out whatever may be the source of stress.

I shall begin with Subway. It’s a simple, repetitive job. However, it is the type of job where you can’t help but stop and question yourself, “Why am I so stressed when this job is so damn easy?”. There are days where it has it’s challenges but they are never different. There are a set of tasks that need to be completed each day and so far, they have yet to change. I’d say I get stressed with how mundane the job becomes; as well as some of the management. There are days where the only few notions keeping me from tearing my hair straight from the roots would be my coworker’s presence and humor; as well as the fact that I can’t work there the majority of the summer. The reason for that last part would be the family business. (I will elaborate after I show you my amazing list of all the projects/jobs I have this summer. You may kindly thank my old roommate for this “newfound love” of lists…)

My main projects/jobs this summer consist of the following at the business:

  • Train 3 wolf pups
  • Train 3 silver fox (Originally, I thought it was going to only be 2)
  • Train 3 grey fox
  • Train (at least) 3 red fox
  • Train 1 Marble fox (This may turn into 2 Marbles)
  • Possible train 2 Bobcat
  • Manicure new tentative enclosure settings
  • Continue training for 4 wolves and 1 coyote
  • Expand training for 2 Red fox

The list may be longer but this is what I can currently recall. I’m excited for this challenges but can you see why this may stress me out a bit? Yes, my dad is a handler as well but he also has other projects of his own. (Such as furthering the training of the bears and large cats; building new pens and cages; dealing with clients; and so on so forth. Are you catching my drift?) Besides what I have listed above, work will continue to consist of the normal activities that need to be completed – such as cleaning, feeding, watering, yard maintenance, pen and enclosure maintenance, house and office maintenance, etcetera. To coincide with this, I will also be working alongside my dad with clients from all over the globe.

I don’t mind doing this job though. I love working with the animals, meeting new people on almost a daily basis, and learning new things. However, it can just be a bit much some days – just like any other job or passion. Yet, this life is just that, though: my passion, my job, the blessings God has given me, and mine. I wouldn’t want this part any different. Everything else… well…. can change some days. Then again, I like those the way they are, too, because they make me grow as a person. Nonetheless, can you also see why I’ll be unable to work at Subway for a majority of this summer? Yes, I’ll have to venture back with my metaphoric animals ears laid back in distaste and my nose scrunched in annoyance. Still, in this life, you need money to survive. Especially if you’re a college student. Speaking of which, this brings me to my next (and last) issue of the evening.

As of May 14th, I finished my freshman year of college. The pure fact that I wasn’t put on academic probation or that I got a 2.6 average GPA astounds me immensely. Mostly because I lost a large majority of my motivation during second semester. I blame that on the pure fact that I didn’t have a job. It seems to be ingrained in me to need to be working outside or at a facility that keeps me rather busy. Damn you work ethic… (Thanks dad..) Next year, with the amount of classes that I need to take, as well as the fact that I can’t drop any of them, sends me into a panic. I’m worried about failing courses – something that does not appeal to me. In fact, I had it happen and the amount of disappointment I had in myself was enough to cry. (Feeling like a failure doesn’t appeal to me either.) Needless to say, it’s adding to my stress levels and I have had more “mental breakdowns” the last few weeks than I have had in the last two years.

I hate to say it but I have a feeling that I’m starting to have anxiety become an issue for my well-being. I notice that this began when college did and it worries me (hah) that I may need to contact my doctor and try to find a solution to preventing this. However, I already have an idea of something that can help. It’s not a medication. I’m already taking – well, kind of taking – a medication for the migraines that occurred very often and rapidly throughout my second semester. (Another topic to discuss with my doctor…) To help me deal with the stress, I would like to make either my German Shepherd or my Marble Fox my emotional support animal. They are similar to a service animal but don’t require the amount of training to certify them as such. My reasoning beyond this consists of the fact that I feel much calmer and focused when I’m around the animals I work on a daily basis. My panic/anxiety attacks seem less when I have been outside working intermittently alongside or with them. I mean, my boyfriend has been beyond wonderful and understanding when I randomly break down in tears at night but I can’t drag him around at school or my new home. He has a life and is willing to do the best he can when distance or our schedules separate us. (Seriously, I have bagged myself a great guy. I mean, he is pretty damn good to me so far and I appreciate it more than words can describe.) Nonetheless, I need a solution before school starts. I refuse to miss a semester due to falling into depression because of intense anxiety levels.

If you stuck with me to the end, I thank you. These are not your issues to deal with but it’s always nice to have someone essentially listen – or read – your words of distress. There is a sort of comfort that I find in that idea.

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