There are moments where my hands ache to write out my thoughts in their pure scattered form. Then, when the pen is between my fingers and the papers are strewn around in disarray, I find that all is blocked and I stare blankly at what is around me. Now, instead of my hand aching, my head begins to throb and I can no longer concentrate on the simple or intellectual task before me.
I strive to put forth the words in my mind for a simple entry in a private notebook or even for the six page paper due a week ago. Yet, I can’t. To put words to paper or the screen seems nearly impossible. It’s inevitable forced and I hate it. I need fresh air. I need a break away from being a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend, an employee, a sister, and from me. I need a new day. Just like the image, I crave to change like the skies of the setting sun in hopes of it dispersing this rut I’m in.
I need to get rid of this writer’s block. I have no idea how to go about it though. Help?
A few moments out of the day, week, or month, I tend to find my heart intensely desiring to get away. Responsibilities from my mistakes or decisions occasionally take me to the point where spelling a word wrong makes me want to have a mental breakdown. Bursting into tears or angrily throwing an object within reach in any direction flashes into my mind as I stare blankly at the task at hand. My face will begin to burn with emotion. Either as I stare dejectedly at the paper I may have just finished writing for class or as I begin hyperventilating (if I am in solitude) when the intensity of my emotions invade my mind. Within the view of the public, I may remain lighthearted and cheerful or determined and quiet. Inside, however, chaos reigns as king and I am powerless to defend against it. My placid facial expressions are my only saving grace in times such as this. Then I begin questioning my worth and I know that the chaos is winning on days like those.
A part of me begs and even demands that I turn to my faith in God. Another part of me cries out in desperation for sleep to take away the unending screaming. Mostly, I unconsciously find myself searching in vain for distractions. Can you help me, Social Media? Can you help me escape what I yearn to avoid? Let me become numb with meaningless scrolling and shallow thought processes…
Faith has saved me before so why is it so hard to hand everything over to God? Excessive sleep just assisted in destroying my ambition and moral. Why can’t I just unfold myself completely in God’s hands?
Some days it’s because I feel unworthy. But God loves me all the same. Doesn’t make it any easier. It’s like having someone who is so perfect in your eyes, coming up to you and saying, “I love every beautiful and ugly part of you.” But when you look away from shame and refuse to let their love impact your life, you know it hurts them. I can just hear the question spilling forth: “Why won’t you let me love you?”
And the answer is simple. It’s because it’s hard for me to even love myself. Especially on days like this. Then halfway through my tired and personal disclosure I notice that it’s harder for me to express the words that so desperately need to be free.
So I stop here. Hopefully tomorrow I can remind myself what I already know: I am strong. I will conquer. God is perfect in his love for me. I will survive. I can get through this. I will not give in or give up.
Although the photo above is of a coyote howling, anyone who has heard the howl may think it resembles that of a lone call or “scream”. I chose this photo today for a reason. I dare not say it immediately but it will not be forgotten.
It’s been a long time since I have sat down and carefully constructed a post that infiltrates the deepest part of my mind.
What I have been constructing lately doesnt entirely count. Free running poetry is generally centered on one topic; at least mine are. They generally touch upon the aspects of emotions. Ones that would be felt during intimate moments. Specifically with a particular person you may have a connection with in this very moment. Those are emotions that are important but so are the million others us humans are so blessed to feel. I say ‘blessed’ in a serious manner, too. Although it can be taken in a sarcastic connotation, I truly feel that we are blessed to feel everything; whether deeply or not. Imagine not feeling. What is love if we have never experience immense disdain? What is joy if we have never felt destructive agony? It is all nothing. Empty words with nothing attached to it. So again, I say with cosmic persistence, we are blessed to feel emotions.
Today, I will be horrifically honest when I say I didn’t care to wake up to the world. I would have been intensely grateful to stay in my bed and be lost to my dreams. However, responsibility screams in my mind with such an agonizing, shrill voice. “Care for yourself“, she screams. “Go to class! Have purpose in today!” To be brutally honest, I didn’t want to have purpose today. I wanted to become quiet and unseen; to have the world know that I didn’t exist.
But, I do exist. I do have responsibilities. I do have purpose. Even in the days where I feel withdrawn into myself, I refuse to let it show. I refuse to be weak and let it win. Hell, I’ll scream if it means being against it. The whole world will hear my revolt! I’ll shout to the sun, moon, and stars if it means my voice will be heard in the deepest parts of my mind. Just as the coyote lifts his vocal cords to the sky, so will I in my revolt of epic proportions.
And so should you if the life you are living doesn’t seem to be fulfilling your intentions today. God gave you strength to fight. Let responsibility scream at you if that’s what it takes to get you out of bed. Just get out and don’t give in.